i know no one's here... that's why i'm writing this. i'm here to write alone. about things i don't feel i can tell anyone. (yes i know this is public but, strangers reading such a thing isn't important)
since college, i've found that i don't seem to have friends anymore... everyone's doing what they want to do with their friends and i'm at home. they have fun with each other and i'm here... writing a blog. i miss everything and everyone so much. i wish i could go back to high school some days and relive all my friends and memories everything was so good then.

now, i'm just sad... all the time... all day... i hate life. i'm failing school and have no motivation. i hate myself as a person and as an artist. i feel like a failure at everything and i've let everyone down...

while everyone's forgotten about me. i wish i could tell people... i wish i could call people on the phone... but i guess that's only one of my problems...

so these days it has not been all well... i have been more depressed than i have been for the past couple weeks... for several reasons... 1. my mother is a nazi... sometimes it seriously seems she lives to see me miserable 2. in the past couple of months i've had a kitty get put to sleep and a friend of mine was killed and 3. my current weight gain issue... top three reasons not to be happy right now... i know life sucks sometimes and i should probably deal with it and i'm trying it's just hard to cope sometimes when you're constantly grounded, your mother doesn't trust you and everytime you make plans they are broken... it's just hard to keep things out of your mind sometimes... and often, it doesn't seem like such a bad idea...

ah blog world... long time no see... i guess it's not really a world anymore considering that there's only a select few who read this anymore. but that's fine... it's not neccessarily for people to read, but for me to release thoughts and feelings... usually that's when i'm rather down in the dumps. and lo and behold... look where i am. i can't really say what it is that's bugging me exactly... but of course all good things must come to an end. and, that happens to be the case all too much for me. problems are just something that you learn to deal with i guess... and you know, if i think about it, it's not really a problem... just an inconvience. a big inconvience... ugh... i don't wanna go home and i don't wanna sit at home and i don't wanna do anything but go to the apartment with leroy and just lay there... forever. i don't wanna do anything at all... but i have to. and it's no fun being alone with nothing to do... let alone 3 days... whatever though. i'll find something to take my mind away...

haven't you noticed her? haven't you seen how different she is? have you noticed she isn't herself? the way she smiles... odd. it's so weird... what's wrong? what do you mean you haven't noticed? it's completely obvious! she's got a smile for no reason. you can see her face. did you notice her eyes were brown? and she talks so much... about nothing. NOTHING!

i dunno if i like this new girl. it's so weird. definately not the usual. what happened? i don't this is normal. she's not on drugs is she? i kind of liked her better before... don't you? have you noticed yet? hmm? i've never seen her hyper like that. wait... what if that means it's getting worse? or just a cover up? it's really all "ok"?

this isn't her. you don't believe people can actually be possessed do you? i wish she was back to normal. i'm worried... i once read people only pretend to be like that when they're really sad... what if she's like that? i don't know...

haven't you noticed her? i didn't know she knew how to laugh so much. what's wrong? i'm scared... what do i do? is it me? i don't understand... in just a few months it's all gotten so strange. was it traumatic? is it some one? something? what is it?!



i don't like it... no. i don't like it. i'm not normal... why is it all so green? where's the shades? the black. comfort. i don't like it! I DON'T LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

so fellas and/or fellows... i have very limited news for you on this day in time. why?

because i have nothing to talk about... no recent events... well i lie. you see, 2 days ago one of my dogs, lucy, was hit by a car and killed. she wasn't exactly a smart dog... or really evena good listening dog. but she was still a very nice puppy i suppose... she wasn't quite 2 years old i don't think... but yeah

from the way it seems, it felt like i was the only one that actually cared. that's the way it seemed anyways... i don't know. just the feeling i got when i heard my mum say "it was going to happen sooner or later" or when i'd called her to tell her she was like "yeah i already know. are you ok?" and my sister was like "o... did she die?" and and stuff like that. i'm going to miss her... she was a very good dog. and very happy...

damnit... now i feel bad...

haha... you see what i mean...??

sometimes i just really wonder what is the point of trying? what's the point of going through everything that life puts ahead of you? i mean, we all die eventually, why not just sit there and watch it go by? there'd probably be more excitement in the afterlife anyways.

i'm so tired of everything. school and people and everything. i don't know. it's hard to lay all this stuff out when it's been stuck in your head a while...

but i suppose it's worth a try.

so i suppose, in a way, i'm a bad person. from the way i tihnk of it. but the whole reason i've come to this conclusion is because of the way someone else thought about past events. but either way, it's bothersome and making me angry. how can anyone know? how do they know what i did and why i did it? what gives them the fucking right to assume under false pretenses?

but whatever they think is alright... it's when some one else is like "o yeah. if you really think about it they did use you" BULL SHIT!! you know, i don't even want to write about this... so i'm topping right here...

but to put a long story short... i'm greatly offended. i can't believe anyone would think so wrongly of me.

and this is probably one of the only times i've ever been offended to tell you the truth.

so bravo... you did it...

so... my sister is a bitch with a capital "b" and even more to say about it. it's kind of a weird sense of oo... let's call it control. yes. control. she's a control whore (literally as well) god forbid she listen to something she doesn't like, after all, i am forced EVERY day to listen to the damned and accursed item no-longer of interest called the radio. i hate the radio so much... with the release of a brand new song on monday, by friday you know every word and the guitar solo. unless it's that hick shit... then you've got a beer in your hand as well as a ford truck with your dog in the back...

real music yes. very REAL music... ugh... you know and sadly my sister compared good charlotte to knickle back... that would spark anger with anyone if their favorite band were one-uped by some no talent hicks who have no sense of music or a good voice at that. it's like listening to the same song over and over again... which also refers to the radio...

can you believe at some point the radio was about the only source of family entertainment? back when it was good in the 1930's. radio drama's like the invasion from mars that got the entire nation in an uproar for fear of being attacked by martians. or mysteries that spark curiosity in the listener's mind... whatever happened to that stuff?

but, as years go by people realized that there is a different type of entertainment... and that ladies and gentlemen- is drugs. yes all that methamphetamine, marijuana, coccaine and that ever so twitchful heroine.

can even better: can you believe my sister's done at least one of them that i know of? huh...
how bout that... i hope she gets into better stuff... haha... right

ooo by the way, don't tell- it's a not-very-well-kept secret... soo shhh! until about 5 minutes after this is read other than that you're on your own free will and do what you will

i suppose, i really did lie. i don't think it's going to work... though, i will admit, i've tried. i dunno it just seems like things are falling apart. and really there's not much in common. now, to get over the fear of doing it. yes. the fear... argh.

but anywho. i suppose i could shed a little light on other happenings in my life other than the bad. in 2 days there is music festival. that's going to be a blast... hopefully... i have a duet, a trio and junior ensamble to do along with band and choir... i'm so nervous. i've never done anything like this before and it'll probably suck... but wish me well and wish me luck.

also, things have been hectic. with work, singing practice and well, work... i don't have alot of time to do much... my laundry is piling up and i really think it'd be a good idea of making my bed since i haven't slept in it for over a week now... yeah... i haven't gotten around to making it yet... hehe -_-'

o yeah... at work i believe there has been one that has been fired... amber... yep didn't even last 3 weeks... oy. i think we're bad people. i mean we're assholes. terrible people. yep. there was another part to that but it has currently slipped my mind... woot...

let's see what else is there to be infomred of?? err... remember that bari sax i got about 6 months or so ago? yeah... brand new, shiny, pretty?? yeah that one?
.... well, it's falling apart.... yeah... pieces are coming off it and it's sad... i think so far i've lost 8 pads, a little bar thing that holds the curved part together and the welding is coming off one of the the keyguards. and the best part? i can't send it back. nope. no refund. no consolation... it actually kind of makes me wonder: is that why i got all those pads and springs with it? hmm... gay... gaygaygaygaygay... but i still love it... no matter how deformed it becomes... err... wait...

have you ever felt that reoccuring feeling that you were some how insignificant to everyone? like if you were gone tomorrow nobody would look back at anything that had happened? that seems maybe to be the truth... just maybe. but gawd... things are so stupid!!! some times it feels like everything was a lie. memories that maybe you made up that linger in the back of your mind because you can't let them go away... or maybe you don't want them to go away? Or a feeling of happiness or pain that still lingers when you've found a random thought in your mind. it seems like a good idea to just let everything go... get rid of all the things that can't disappear. Then after a failed attempt they're there still, and an even more feeling of anguish stays... all the while there's tears hiding in the back of the mind filing to the brim, where at the top, they'll spill over... like a violent wave as it hits the shore... and simply just forgotten. shortly thought of, quickly forgotten... a worthless memory... just for a moment... this is kind of just like a spur of the moment entry about things i've been thinking about... for a long time though it probably won't help... i don't know...